and i looked up. we had an audience...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
