Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
