The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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