Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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