Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
