HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
