Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
