He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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