sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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