Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Bring me that man meat
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
