I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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