i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
