Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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