tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
