i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
