people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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