would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
