I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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