Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
