new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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