I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
