Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
They took my balls.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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