i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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