my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
