I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
