The maid of honor just puked.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
