On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
