True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
