so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
