phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
