i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
