I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
