Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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