I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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