I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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