im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
