When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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