Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
