His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
