If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
