is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
