i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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