i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
