Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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