Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
