my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
