So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
