I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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