He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
