My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
