do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
